(An Excerpt from the Book “The Ideal Muslimah:
The True Islâmic Personality of the Muslim Woman as Defined in the
Qur’ân and Sunnah”)
By Dr. Muhammad ‘Ali Al-Hashimi
Translated
by Nasiruddin Al-Khattab and Revised by Ibrahim M. Kunna and Abu Aya
Sulaiman Abdus-Sabur Copyright and published by the International
Islâmic Publishing House (IIPH), Riyadh, Saudi Arabia in 1999.
Marriage in Islam
In
Islam, marriage is a blessed contract between a man and a woman, in
which each becomes “permitted” to the other, and they begin the long
journey of life in a spirit of love, co-operation, harmony and
tolerance, where each feels at ease with the other, and finds
tranquility, contentment and comfort in the company of the other. The
Qur’an has described this relationship between men and women, which
brings love, harmony, trust and compassion, in the most moving and
eloquent terms:
( And among His Signs is this, that He created for
you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with
them, and He has put love and mercy between your [hearts] . . .)
(Qur’an 30:21)
This is the strongest of bonds, in which Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala)
unites the two Muslim partners, who come together on the basis of love,
understanding, co-operation and mutual advice, and establish a Muslim
family in which children will live and grow up, and they will develop
the good character and behavior taught by Islam. The Muslim family is
the strongest component of a Muslim society when its members are
productive and constructive, helping and encouraging one another to be
good and righteous, and competing with one another in good works.
The
righteous woman is the pillar, cornerstone and foundation of the Muslim
family. She is seen as the greatest joy in a man’s life, as the Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said:
“This world is just temporary conveniences, and the best comfort in this world is a righteous women.”
A righteous woman is the greatest blessing that Allah (Subhanahu wa
ta’ala) can give to a man, for with her he can find comfort and rest
after the exhausting struggle of earning a living. With his wife, he can
find incomparable tranquility and pleasure.
How can a woman be
the best comfort in this world? How can she be a successful woman, true
to her own femininity, and honored and loved? This is what will be
explained in the following pages:
She chooses a good husband
One
of the ways in which Islam has honored woman is by giving her the right
to choose her husband. Her parents have no right to force her to marry
someone she dislikes. The Muslim woman knows this right, but she does
not reject the advice and guidance of her parents when a potential
suitor comes along, because they have her best interests at heart, and
they have more experience of life and people. At the same time, she does
not forego this right because of her father’s wishes that may make him
force his daughter into a marriage with someone she dislikes.
There are many texts that support the woman in this sensitive issue,
for example the report quoted by Imam Bukhari from al-Khansa’ bint
Khidam:
“My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like
this match, so I complained to Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa
sallam). He said to me: ‘Accept what your father has arranged.’ I said,
‘I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.’ He said, ‘Then
this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.’ I said, ‘I
have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know
that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have
no right to force a marriage on them).’” 2
At first, the Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) told al-Khansa’ to obey her father, and
this is as it should be, because the concern of fathers for their
daughters’ well-being is well-known. But when he realized that her
father wanted to force her into a marriage she did not want, he gave her
the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father
who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.
Islam does not want to impose an unbearable burden on women by
forcing them to marry a man they dislike, because it wants marriages to
be successful, based on compatibility between the partners; there should
be common ground between them in terms of physical looks, attitudes,
habits, inclinations and aspirations. If something goes wrong, and the
woman feels that she cannot love her husband sincerely, and fears that
she may commit the sin of disobeying and opposing this husband whom she
does not love, then she may ask for a divorce. This is confirmed by the
report in which the wife of Thabit ibn Qays ibn Shammas, Jamilah the
sister of ‘Abdullah ibn Ubayy, came to the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi
wa sallam) and said: “O Messenger of Allah, I have nothing against
Thabit ibn Qays as regards his religion or his behavior, but I hate to
commit any act of kufr when I am a Muslim. The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: “Will you give his garden back to him?” - her mahr
had been a garden. She said, “Yes.” So Allah’s Messenger sent word to
him: “Take back your garden, and give her one pronouncement of
divorce.”3
According to a report given by Bukhari from Ibn ‘Abbas,
she said, “I do not blame Thabit for anything with regard to his
religion or his behavior, but I do not like him.”
Islam has
protected woman’s pride and humanity, and has respected her wishes with
regard to the choice of a husband with whom she will spend the rest of
her life. It is not acceptable for anyone, no matter who he is, to force
a woman into a marriage with a man she does not like.
There is no clearer indication of this than the story of Barirah, an
Ethiopian slave-girl who belonged to ‘Utbah ibn Abu Lahab, who forced
her to marry another slave whose name was Mughith. She would never have
accepted him as a husband if she had been in control of her own affairs.
‘A’ishah (radhiallahu anha) took pity on her, so she bought her and set
her free. Then this young woman felt that she was free and in control
of her own affairs, and that she could take a decision about her
marriage. She asked her husband for a divorce. Her husband used to
follow her, weeping, whilst she rejected him. Bukhari quotes Ibn ‘Abbas
describing this freed woman who insisted on the annulment of her
marriage to someone she did not love; the big-hearted Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) commented on this moving sight, and
sought to intervene. Ibn ‘Abbas said:
“Barirah’s husband was a
slave, who was known as Mughith. I can almost see him, running after her
and crying, with tears running down onto his beard. The Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said to ‘Abbas, ‘O ‘Abbas, do you not
find it strange, how much Mugith loves Barirah, and how much Barirah
hates Mughith?’ The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said (to
Barirah), ‘Why do you not go back to him?’ She said, ‘O Messenger of
Allah, are you commanding me to do so?’ He said, ‘I am merely trying to
intervene on his behalf.’ She said, ‘I have no need of him.’” 4
The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) was deeply moved by this
display of human emotion: deep and overwhelming love on the part of the
husband, and equally powerful hatred on the part of the wife. He could
not help but remind the wife, and ask her why she did not go back to
him, as he was her husband and the father of her child. This believing
woman asked him, whether he was ordering her to do so: was this a
command, a binding obligation? The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa
sallam), this great law-giver and educator, replied that he was merely
trying to intercede and bring about reconciliation if possible; he was
not trying to force anybody to do something they did not wish to.
Let
those stubborn, hard-hearted fathers who oppress their own daughters
listen to the teaching of the
The Muslim woman who understands the teachings of her religion has
wise and correct standards when it comes to choosing a husband. She does
not concern herself just with good looks, high status, a luxurious
lifestyle or any of the other things that usually attract women. She
looks into his level of religious commitment and his attitude and
behavior, because these are the pillars of a successful marriage, and
the best features of a husband. Islamic teaching indicates the
importance of these qualities in a potential husband, as Islam obliges a
woman to accept the proposal of anyone who has these qualities, lest fitnah and corruption become widespread in society:
“If
there comes to you one with whose religion and attitude you are
satisfied, then give your daughter to him in marriage, for if you do not
do so, fitnah and mischief will become widespread on earth.”5
Just as the true Muslim young man will not be attracted to the pretty
girls who have grown up in a bad environment, so the Muslim young woman
who is guided by her religion will not be attracted to stupid
“play-boy” types, no matter how handsome they may be. Rather she will be
attracted to the serious, educated, believing man who is clean-living
and pure of heart, whose behavior is good and whose understanding of
religion is sound. No-one is a suitable partner for the good, believing
woman except a good, believing man; and no-one is a suitable partner for
the wayward, immoral woman but a wayward, immoral man, as Allah
(Subhanahu wa ta’ala) has said:
( Women impure are for men impure,
and men impure for women impure, and women of purity are for men of
purity, and men of purity are for women of purity . . . .) (Qur’an
24:26)
This does not mean that the Muslim woman should completely ignore the
matter of physical appearance, and put up with unattractiveness or
ugliness. It is her right - as stated above - to marry a man for whom
her heart may be filled with love, and who is pleasing to her both in
his appearance and in his conduct. Appearance should not be neglected at
the expense of inner nature, or vice versa. A woman should choose a man
who is attractive to her in all aspects, one who will gain her
admiration and respect. The true Muslim woman is never dazzled by
outward appearances, and she never lets them distract her from seeing
the essence of a potential spouse.
The Muslim woman knows that the man has the right of qiwamah over her, as the Qur’an says:
( Men are the protectors and maintainers [qawwamun]
of women, because Allah has given the one more [strength] than the
other, and because they support them from their means. . .) (Qur’an
4:34)
Hence she wants to marry a man of whose qiwamah over her she
will feel proud, one whom she will be happy to marry and never regret
it. She wants a man who will take her hand in his and set out to fulfill
their life’s mission of establishing a Muslim family and raising a new
generation of intelligent and caring children, in an atmosphere of love
and harmony, which will not be impeded by conflicting attitudes or
religious differences. Believing men and believing women are supposed to
walk side-by-side on the journey of life, which is a serious matter for
the believer, so that they may fulfill the great mission with which
Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) has entrusted mankind, men and women alike,
as the Qur’an says:
( For Muslim men and women - for believing men
and women, for devout men and women, for true men and women, for men
and women who are constant and patient, for men and women who humble
themselves, for men and women who give in charity, for men and women who
fast [and deny themselves], for men and women who guard their chastity,
and for men and women who engage much in Allah’s praise - for them has
Allah prepared forgiveness and great reward.) (Qur’an 33:35)
In order to achieve this great goal of strengthening the marriage
bond, and establishing a stable family life, it is essential to choose
the right partner in the first place.
Among the great Muslim women
who are known for their strength of character, lofty aspirations and
far-sightedness in their choice of a husband is Umm Sulaym bint Milhan,
who was one of the first Ansar women to embrace Islam. She was
married to Malik ibn Nadar, and bore him a son, Anas. When she embraced
Islam, her husband Malik was angry with her, and left her, but she
persisted in her Islam. Shortly afterwards, she heard the news of his
death, and she was still in the flower of her youth. She bore it all
with the hope of reward, for the sake of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala)
and devoted herself to taking care of her ten-year-old son Anas. She
took him to the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), so that he could
serve him (and learn from him).
One of the best young men of Madinah, one of the best-looking,
richest and strongest, came to seek her hand in marriage. This was Abu
Talhah - before he became Muslim. Many of the young women of Yathrib
liked him because of his wealth, strength and youthful good looks, and
he thought that Umm Sulaym would joyfully rush to accept his offer. But
to his astonishment, she told him, “O Abu Talhah, do you not know that
your god whom you worship is just a tree that grew in the ground and was
carved into shape by the slave of Banu so-and-so.” He said, “Of
course.” She said, “Do you not feel ashamed to prostrate yourself to a
piece of wood that grew in the ground and was carved by the slave of
Banu so-and-so?” Abu Talhah was stubborn, and hinted to her of an
expensive dowry and luxurious lifestyle, but she persisted in her point
of view, and told him frankly: “O Abu Talhah, a man like you could not
be turned away, but you are a disbelieving man, and I am a Muslim woman.
It is not permitted for me to marry you, but if you were to embrace
Islam, that would be my dowry (mahr), and I would ask you for nothing more.”6
He
returned the following day to try to tempt her with a larger dowry and
more generous gift, but she stood firm, and her persistence and maturity
only enhanced her beauty in his eyes. She said to him, “O Abu Talhah,
do you not know that your god whom you worship was carved by the
carpenter slave of so-and-so? If you were to set it alight, it would
burn.” Her words came as a shock to Abu Talhah, and he asked himself,
Does the Rabb (Cherisher and Sustainer) burn? Then he uttered the
words: “Ashhadu an la ilaha ill-Allah wa ashhadu anna Muhammadan rasul-Allah.”
Then Umm Sulaym said to her son Anas, with joy flooding her entire
being, “O Anas, marry me to Abu Talhah.” So Anas brought witnesses and
the marriage was solemnized.
Abu Talhah was so happy that he was
determined to put all his wealth at Umm Sulaym’s disposal, but hers was
the attitude of the selfless, proud, sincere believing woman. She told
him, “O Abu Talhah, I married you for the sake of Allah (subhanahu wa
ta’ala) and I will not take any other dowry.” She knew that when Abu
Talhah embraced Islam, she did not only win herself a worthy husband,
but she also earned a reward from Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) that was
better than owning red camels (the most highly-prized kind) in this
world, as she had heard the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) say:
“If Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) were to guide one person to Islam through you, it is better for you than owning red camels.”7
Such
great Muslim women are examples worthy of emulation, from whom Muslim
women may learn purity of faith, strength of character, soundness of
belief and wisdom in choosing a husband.
She is obedient to her husband and shows him respect
The
true Muslim woman is always obedient to her husband, provided that no
sin is involved. She is respectful towards him and is always eager to
please him and make him happy. If he is poor, she does not complain
about his being unable to spend much. She does not complain about her
housework, because she remembers that many of the virtuous women in
Islamic history set an example of patience, goodness and a positive
attitude in serving their husbands and taking care of their homes
despite the poverty and hardships they faced. One of the foremost of
these exemplary wives is Fatimah al-Zahra’, the daughter of
Muhammad(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and the wife of ‘Ali ibn Abi
Talib (radhiallahu anhu). She used to complain of the pain in her
hands caused by grinding grain with the hand-mill. Her husband ‘Ali ibn
Abi Talib said to her one day, “Your father has brought some female
slaves, so go and ask him for one of them to come and serve you.” She
went to her father, but she felt too shy to ask him for what she wanted.
‘Ali went and asked him to provide a servant for his beloved daughter,
but the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) could not respond to
those who most dear to him whilst ignoring the needs of the poor among
the Muslims, so he came to his daughter and her husband and said: “Shall
I not teach you something that is better than that for which you asked
me? When you go to bed at night, say ‘Subhan Allah’ thirty-three times, ‘Al-hamdu lillah’ thirty-three times, and ‘Allahu akbar’ thirty-four times. This is better for you than a servant.”
Then he bid them farewell and left, after telling them this divine
help which would make them forget their tiredness and help them to
overcome their exhaustion.
‘Ali (radhiallahu anhu) began to repeat
the words that the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) had taught
him. He said, “I never stopped doing that after he had taught me these
words.” One of his companions asked him, “Not even on the night of
Siffin?” He said, “Not even on the night of Siffin.”8
Asma’ bint
Abi Bakr al-Siddiq served her husband al-Zubayr, and took care of the
house. Her husband had a horse, which she took care of, feeding it and
exercising it. She also repaired the water-bucket, made bread, and
carried dates on her head from far away. Bukhari and Muslim report this
in her own words:
“Al-Zubayr married me, and he had no wealth, no slaves, nothing
except his horse. I used to feed his horse, looking after it and
exercising it. I crushed date-stones to feed his camel. I used to bring
water and repair the bucket, and I used to make bread but I could not
bake it, so some of my Ansari neighbors, who were kind women,
used to bake it for me. I used to carry the dates from the garden that
the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) had given to al-Zubayr on my
head, and this garden was two-thirds of a farsakh away. One day
I was coming back with the dates on my head. I met Allah’s Messenger ,
who had a group of his Companions with him. He called me, then told his
camel to sit down so that I could ride behind him. I told (al-Zubayr),
‘I felt shy, because I know that you are a jealous man.’ He said, ‘It is
worse for me to see you carrying the dates on your head than to see you
riding behind him.’ Later, Abu Bakr sent me a servant, who relieved me
of having to take care of the horse; it was as if I had been released
from slavery.”9
The true Muslim woman devotes herself to taking
care of her house and husband. She knows her husband’s rights over her,
and how great they are, as was confirmed by the Prophet’s words:
“No human being is permitted to prostrate to another, but if this
were permitted I would have ordered wives to prostrate to their
husbands, because of the greatness of the rights they have over them.”10
And:
“If I were to order anyone to prostrate to anyone else, I would have ordered women to prostrate to their husbands.”11
‘A’ishah
(radhiallahu anha) asked Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa
sallam): “Who has the greatest rights over a woman?” He said, “Her
husband.” She asked, ‘And who has the greatest rights over a man?” He
said, “His mother.”12
A woman came to ask the Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) about some matter, and when he had dealt with it, he
asked her, “Do you have a husband?” She said, “Yes.” He asked her, “How
are you with him?” She said, “I never fall short in my duties, except
for that which is beyond me.” He said, “Pay attention to how you treat
him, for he is your Paradise and your Hell.”13
How can the Muslim woman complain about taking care of her house and
husband when she hears these words of Prophetic guidance? She should
fulfill her household duties and take care of her husband in a spirit of
joy, because she is not carrying a tiresome burden, she is doing work
in her home that she knows will bring reward from Allah (subhanahu wa
ta’ala).
The Sahabah, may Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) be
pleased with them, and those who followed them understood this Islamic
teaching and transmitted it from the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa
sallam). When a bride was prepared for marriage, she would be told to
serve her husband and take care of his rights. Thus the Muslim woman
knew her duties towards her husband, and down through the ages caring
for her husband and being a good wife were established womanly
attributes. One example of this is what was said by the faqih al-Hanbali ibn al-Jawzi in his book Ahkam al-Nisa’
(p. 331): In the second century AH there was a righteous man called
Shu’ayb ibn Harb, who used to fast and spend his nights in prayer. He
wanted to marry a woman, and told her humbly, “I am a bad-tempered man.”
She replied, tactfully and cleverly, “The one who makes you lose your
temper is worse than you.” He realized that there stood before him a
woman who was intelligent, wise and mature. He immediately said to her,
“You will be my wife.”
This woman had a clear understanding of how to be a good wife, which
confirmed to the man who had come to seek her hand that she was a woman
who would understand the psychology and nature of her husband and would
know what would please him and what would make him angry; she would be
able to win his heart and earn his admiration and respect, and would
close the door to every possible source of conflict that could disrupt
their married life. The woman who does not understand these realities
does not deserve to be a successful wife; through her ignorance and
shortcomings she may provoke her husband to lose his temper, in which
case, she would be worse than him, for being the direct cause of his
anger.
The tactful Muslim woman is never like this. She helps her husband to be
of good character, by displaying different types of intelligence,
cleverness and alertness in the way she deals with him. This opens his
heart to her and makes him fond of her, because being a good wife is a
not only a quality that she may boast about among her friends, but it is
also a religious obligation for which Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) will
call her to account: if she has done well, she will be rewarded, but if
she has fallen short she will have to pay the penalty.
One of the most important ways in which the Muslim woman obeys her
husband is by respecting his wishes with regard to the permissible
pleasures of daily life, such as social visits, food, dress, speech,
etc. The more she responds to his wishes in such matters, the happier
and more enjoyable the couple’s life becomes, and the closer it is to
the spirit and teachings of Islam.
The Muslim woman does not
forget that her obedience to her husband is one of the things that may
lead her to Paradise, as the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam)
said:
“If a woman prays her five daily prayers, fasts her month
(of Ramadan), obeys her husband and guards her chastity, then it will be
said to her: ‘Enter Paradise by whichever of its gates you wish.’” 14
Umm Salamah (radhiallahu anha) said:
“ Allah’s Messenger
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: ‘Any woman who dies, and her
husband is pleased with her, will enter Paradise.’” 15
The
Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) draw a clear and delightful
picture of the well-behaved, easy-going, loving, righteous Muslim wife,
one who will be happy in this world and the next:
“Shall I not
tell you about your wives in Paradise?” We said, “Of course, O Messenger
of Allah.” He said, “They are fertile and loving. If she becomes angry
or is mistreated, or her husband becomes angry, she says, ‘My hand is in
your hand; I shall never sleep until you are pleased with me.’” 16
The
true Muslim woman knows that Islam, which has multiplied her reward for
obeying her husband and made it a means of her admittance to Paradise,
has also warned every woman who deviates from the path of marital
obedience and neglects to take care of her husband, that she will be
guilty of sin, and will incur the wrath and curses of the angels.
Bukhari and Muslim report from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said:
“If a man calls his wife to his bed and she does not come, and he
goes to sleep angry with her, the angels will curse her until the
morning.”17
Muslim reports from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said Imam:
“By
the One in Whose hand is my soul, there is no man who calls his wife to
his bed, and she refuses him, but the One Who is in heaven will be
angry with her, until the husband is pleased with her once more.”18
The angels’ curse will befall every woman who is rebellious and
disobedient; this does not exclude those who are too slow and reluctant
to respond to their husbands:
“Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) will
curse those procrastinating women who, when their husbands call them to
their beds, say ‘I will, I will . . .’ until he falls asleep.” 19
Marriage
in Islam is intended to protect the chastity of men and women alike,
therefore it is the woman’s duty to respond to her husband’s requests
for conjugal relations. She should not give silly excuses and try to
avoid it. For this reason, several hadith urge a wife to respond to her
husband’s needs as much as she is able, no matter how busy she may be or
whatever obstacles there may be, so long as there is no urgent or
unavoidable reason not to do so. In one of these hadith, the Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said:
“If a man calls his wife to his bed, let her respond, even if she is riding her camel [i.e., very busy].”20
And:
“If a man calls his wife, then let her come, even if she is busy at the oven.”21
The
issue of protecting a man’s chastity and keeping him away from
temptation is more important than anything else that a woman can do,
because Islam wants men and women alike to live in an environment which
is entirely pure and free from any motive of fitnah or haram pleasures. The flames of sexual desire and thoughts of pursuing them through haram
means can only be extinguished by means of discharging that natural
energy in natural and lawful ways. This is what the Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) meant in the hadith narrated by Muslim from Jabir:
“If
anyone of you is attracted to a woman, let him go to his wife and have
intercourse with her, for that will calm him down.”22
The warning given to the woman whose husband is angry with her
reaches such an extent that it would shake the conscience of every
righteous wife who has faith in Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) and the Last
Day: she is told that her prayer and good deeds will not be accepted,
until her husband is pleased with her again. This is stated in the
hadith narrated by Jabir from ‘Abdullah:
“ Allah’s Messenger
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: ‘There are three people whose
prayers will not be accepted, neither their good works: a disobedient
slave until he returns to his masters and puts his hand in theirs; a
woman whose husband is angry with her, until he is pleased with her
again; and the drunkard, until he becomes sober.’” 23
When these
hadith refer to the husband being angry with his wife, they refer to
cases in which the husband is right and the wife is wrong. When the
opposite is the case, and the husband is wrong, then his anger has no
negative implications for her; in fact, Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) will
reward the wife for her patience. But the wife is still required to
obey her husband, so long as no sin is involved, because there should be
no obedience to a created being if it entails disobedience to the
Creator. Concerning this, the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam)
said:
“It is not permitted for a woman who believes in Allah (Subhanahu wa
ta’ala) to allow anyone into her husband’s house whom he dislikes; or to
go out when he does not want her to; or to obey anyone else against
him; or to forsake his bed; or to hit him. If he is wrong, then let her
come to him until he is pleased with her, and if he accepts her then all
is well, Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) will accept her deeds and make her
position stronger, and there will be no sin on her. If he does not
accept her, then at least she will have done her best and excused
herself in the sight of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala). “24
Another
aspect of wifely obedience is that she should not fast at times other
than Ramadan except with his permission, that she should not allow
anyone to enter his house without his permission, and that she should
not spend any of his earnings without his permission. If she spends
anything without him having told her to do so, then half of the reward
for that spending will be given to him. The true Muslim woman takes heed
of this teaching which was stated by the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa
sallam) in the hadith:
“It is not permitted for a woman to fast
when her husband is present, except with his permission; or to allow
anyone into his house except with his permission; or to spend any of his
earnings unless he has told her to do so, otherwise half of the reward
will be given to him.”25
According to a report given by Muslim, he (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said:
“A
woman should not fast if her husband is present, except with his
permission. She should not allow anyone to enter his house when he is
present without his permission. Whatever she spends of his wealth
without him having told her to do so, half of the reward for it will be
given to him.”26
The point here is the permission of the
husband. If a wife gives some of his money in voluntary charity without
his permission, then she will not receive any reward; on the contrary,
it will be recorded as a sin on her part. If she wants to spend in his
absence, and she knows that if he knew about it he would give his
permission, then she is allowed to do so, otherwise it is not permitted.
Mutual
understanding and harmony between husband and wife cannot be achieved
unless there is understanding between them on such matters, so that
neither of them will fall into such errors and troubles as may damage
the marriage which Islam has built on a basis of love and mercy, and
sought to maintain its purity, care and harmony.
If the husband is
a miser, and spends too little on her and her children, then she is
allowed to spend as much as she needs from his wealth on herself and her
children, in moderation, without his knowledge. The Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) stated this to Hind bint ‘Utbah, the wife of Abu
Sufyan, when she came to him and said, “O Messenger of Allah, Abu Sufyan
is a stingy man. What he gives me is not enough for me and my child,
unless I take from him without his knowledge.” He told her, “Take what
is enough for you and your child, in moderation.”27 Thus Islam has made
women responsible for good conduct in their running of the household
affairs.
The Muslim woman understands the responsibility that
Islam has given her, to take care of her husband’s house and children by
making her a “shepherd” over her husband’s house and children. She has
been specifically reminded of this responsibility in recognition of her
role, in the hadith in which the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam)
made every individual in the Islamic society responsible for those under
his or her authority in such a way that no-one, man or woman, may evade
responsibility:
“Each of you is a shepherd, and each is
responsible for those under his care. A ruler is a shepherd; a man is
the shepherd of his family; a woman is the shepherd of her husband’s
house and children. For each of you is a shepherd and each of you is
responsible for those under his care.”28
The true Muslim woman
is always described as being loving towards her children and caring
towards her husband. These are two of the most beautiful characteristics
that a woman of any time or place may possess. The Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) praised these two characteristics, which were
embodied by the women of Quraysh, who represented the best women among
the Arabs in terms of loving their children, caring for their husbands,
respecting their rights and looking after their wealth with care,
honesty and wisdom:
“The best women who ride camels are the women
of Quraysh. They are the most compassionate towards their children when
they are small, and the most careful with regard to their husbands’
wealth.”29
This is a valuable testimony on the part of the
Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), attesting to the psychological
and moral qualities of the women of Quraysh which enhanced their beauty
and virtue. This testimony represents a call to every Muslim woman to
emulate the women of Quraysh in loving her children and taking care of
her husband. These two important characteristics contribute to the
success of a marriage, make individuals and families happy, and help a
society to advance.
It is a great honor for a woman to take care
of her husband every morning and evening, and wherever he goes, treating
him with gentleness and good manners which will fill his life with joy,
tranquility and stability. Muslim women have the best example in
‘A’ishah (May Allah be pleased with her), who used to accompany the
Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) on Hajj, surrounding him with her
care, putting perfume on him with her own hands before he entered ihram, and after he finished his ihram, before he performed tawaf al-ifadah.30 She chose for him the best perfume that she could find. This is stated in a number of sahih hadith reported by Bukhari and Muslim, for example:
“I applied perfume to Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) with myown hands before he entered the state of ihram and when he concluded it before circumambulating the House.”31
“I applied perfume to Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) with these two hands of mine when he entered ihram and when he concluded it, before he performed tawaf,” - and she spread her hands.32
‘Urwah said:
“I asked ‘A’ishah, ‘With what did you perfume Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) at the time when he entered ihram?’ She said, ‘With the best of perfume.’” 33
According to another report also given by Muslim, ‘A’ishah (radhiallahu anha) said:
“I applied the best perfume I could find to Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) before he entered ihram and when he concluded it, before he performed tawaf al-ifadah.”34
When the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) was in seclusion (i’tikaf), he would lean his head towards ‘A’ishah, and she would comb and wash his hair. Bukhari and Muslim both report this in sahih hadith narrated from ‘A’ishah (May Allah be pleased with her), such as:
“When Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) was in i’tikaf, he inclined his head towards me and I combed his hair, and he did not enter the house except to answer the call of nature.”35
“I used to wash the Prophet’s head when I was menstruating.”36
‘Aishah
urged women to take good care of their husbands and to recognize the
rights that their husbands had over them. She saw these rights as being
so great and so important that a woman was barely qualified to wipe the
dust from her husband’s feet with her face, as she stated: “O womenfolk,
if you knew the rights that your husbands have over you, every one of
you would wipe the dust from her husband’s feet with her face.”37
This
is a vivid expression of the importance of the husband’s rights over
his wife. ‘A’ishah wanted to bring this to women’s attention, so as to
remove from the hearts of arrogant and stubborn women all those harsh,
obstinate feelings that all too often destroy a marriage and turn it
into a living hell.
Honoring and respecting one’s husband is one of the characteristic attitudes of this ummah. It is one of the good manners known at the time of jahiliyyah
that were endorsed by Islam and perpetuated by the Arabs after they
embraced Islam. Our Arab heritage is filled with texts that eloquently
describe the advice given by mothers to their daughters, to care for,
honor and respect their husbands; these texts may be regarded as
invaluable social documents.
One of the most famous and most
beautiful of these texts was recorded by ‘Abd al-Malik ibn ‘Umayr
al-Qurashi, who was one of the outstanding scholars of the second
century AH. He quotes the words of advice given by Umamah bint
al-Harith, one of the most eloquent and learned women, who was possessed
of wisdom and great maturity, to her daughter on the eve of her
marriage. These beautiful words deserve to be inscribed in golden ink.
‘Abd
al-Malik said: “When ‘Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the most
highly respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the jahiliyyah,
married his daughter Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn ‘Amr al-Kindi, she was
made ready to be taken to the groom, then her mother Umamah came in to
her, to advise her, and said:
‘O my daughter, if it were deemed
unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble
descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you
possess these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who
are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.
‘O my daughter,
if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father’s
wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most
able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as
men were created for them.
‘O my daughter, you are about to leave
the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to
a place you do not know, to a companion with whom you are unfamiliar.
By marrying you he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to
him, and he will become like a servant to you.
‘Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you.
‘The
first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to
and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and
obeying one’s husband pleases Allah.
‘The third and fourth of
them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see
anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant
smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found, and
water is better than the rarest perfume.
‘The fifth and the sixth
of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is
asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his
sleep will make him angry.
‘The seventh and eighth of them are:
take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of
his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him,
and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.
‘The
ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and
never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets
you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey
him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.
‘Be
careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset,
and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the
former shows a lack of judgment, whilst the latter will make him
unhappy.
‘Show him as much honor and respect as you can, and agree
with him as much as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship
and conversation.
‘Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve
what you would like to until you put his pleasure before your own, and
his wishes before yours, in whatever you like and dislike. And may Allah
(Subhanahu wa ta’ala) choose what is best for you and protect you.’” 38
She was taken to her husband, and the marriage was a great success; she gave birth to kings who ruled after him.
This
advice clearly included everything that one could think of as regards
the good manners that a young girl needs to know about in order to treat
her husband properly and be a suitable companion for him. The words of
this wise mother deserve to be taken as the standard for every young
girl who is about to get married.
If she is rich, the true Muslim
woman does not let her wealth and financial independence make her blind
to the importance of respecting her husband’s rights over her. She still
takes care of him and honors him, no matter how rich she is or may
become. She knows that she is obliged to show gratitude to Allah for the
blessings He has bestowed upon her, so she increases her charitable
giving for the sake of Allah. The first person to whom she should give
generously is her own husband, if he is poor; in this case she will
receive two rewards, one for taking care of a family member, and another
for giving charity, as the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam)
stated in the hadith narrated by Zaynab al-Thaqafiyyah, the wife of
‘Abdullah ibn Mas’ud (radhiallahu anhu):
“The Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) told us: ‘O women, give in charity even if it is some
of your jewelry.’ She said, ‘I went back to ‘Abdullah ibn Mas’ud and
told him. ‘You are a man of little wealth, and the Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) has commanded us to give charity, so go and ask him
whether it is permissible for me to give you charity. If it is, I will
do so; if it is not, I will give charity to someone else.’ ‘Abdullah
said, ‘No, you go and ask.’ So I went, and I found a woman of the Ansar
at the Prophet’s door, who also had the question. We felt too shy to go
in, out of respect, so Bilal came out and we asked him, ‘Go and tell
Allah’s Messenger that there are two women at the door asking you: Is
it permissible for them to give sadaqah to their husbands and
the orphans in their care? But do not tell him who we are.’ So Bilal
went in and conveyed this message to the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa
sallam), who asked, ‘Who are they?’ Bilal said, ‘One of the women of the
Ansar, and Zaynab (radhiallahu anha)’ The Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) asked, ‘Which Zaynab is it?’ Bilal said, ‘The wife of
‘Abdullah.’ The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: ‘They will
have two rewards, the reward for upholdithe relationship, and the
reward for giving charity.’” 39 According to a report given by Bukhari,
he said, “Your husband and your child are more deserving of your
charity.”40
The true Muslim woman is always careful to give
thanks for Allah’s blessings if her life is easy, and she never loses
her patience if she encounters difficulty. She never forgets the warning
that the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) issued to women in
general, when he saw that most of the inhabitants of Hell will be women,
and so she seeks refuge with Allah from becoming one of them.
Bukhari
and Muslim narrated from Ibn ‘Abbas (radhiallahu anhu) that the Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: “O women, give charity, for I have
surely seen that you form the majority of the inhabitants of Hell.”
They asked, ‘Why is this so, O Messenger of Allah?” He said, “Because
you curse too much, and are ungrateful for good treatment (on the part
of your husbands).”41
According to another report given by
Bukhari, he said, “because they are ungrateful for good and kind
treatment. Even if you treated one of them (these ungrateful women) well
for an entire lifetime, then she saw one fault in you, she would say,
‘I have never seen anything good from you!’” 42
According to a
report given by Ahmad, a man said, “O Messenger of Allah, are they not
our mothers and sisters and wives?” He said, “Of course, but when they
are treated generously they are ungrateful, and when they are tested,
they do not have patience.”43
When the true Muslim woman thinks about these sahih hadith
which describe the fate of most women in the Hereafter, she is always
on the alert lest she fall into the sins of ingratitude towards her
husband, or frequent cursing, or denying her husband’s good treatment of
her, or forgetting to give thanks for times of ease, or failing to be
patient at times of difficulty. In any case, she hastens to give charity
as the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) urged all women to do, in
the hope that it may save them from that awful fate which will befall
most of those women who deviate from truth and let trivial matters
distract them from remembering Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) and the Last
Day, and whose bad qualities will ultimately lead them into the Fire of
Hell. The Muslim woman, on the other hand, sets the highest example of
respect towards one’s husband and taking note of his good qualities.
This is the attitude of loyalty that befits the true Muslim woman who
respects her husband’s rights and does not ignore his virtues.
Muslim
women’s history is full of stories which reflect this loyalty and
recognition of the good qualities of the husband. One of these stories
is that of Asma’ bint ‘Umays, who was one of the greatest women in
Islam, and one of the first women to migrate to Madinah. She was married
to Ja’far ibn Abi Talib, then to Abu Bakr al-Siddiq, then to ‘Ali, may
Allah be pleased with them all. On one occasion, her two sons Muhammad
ibn Ja’far and Muhammad ibn Abi Bakr were competing with one another,
each of them saying. “I am better than you, and my father is better than
your father.” ‘Ali said to her, “Judge between them, O Asma’.” She
said, “I have never seen a young man among the Arabs who was better than
Ja’far, and I have never seen a mature man who was better than Abu
Bakr.” ‘Ali said, “You have not left anything for me. If you had said
anything other than what you have said, I would have hated you!” Asma’
said: “These are the best three, and you are one of them even if you are
the least of them.”44
What a clever and eloquent answer this wise
woman gave! She gave each of her three husbands the respect he
deserved, and pleased ‘Ali, even though he was the least of them,
because she included all of them in that group of the best.
She treats his mother and family with kindness and respect
One of the ways in which a wife expresses her respect towards her husband is by honoring and respecting his mother.
The
Muslim woman who truly understands the teachings of her religion knows
that the person who has the greatest right over a man is his mother, as
we have seen in the hadith of ‘A’ishah (radhiallahu anha) quoted above.
So she helps him to honor and respect his mother, by also honoring and
respecting her. In this way she will do herself and her husband a favor,
as she will helping him to do good deeds and fear Allah (subhanahu wa
ta’ala) as commanded by the Qur’an. At the same time, she will endear
herself to her husband, who will appreciate her honor and respect
towards his family in general, and towards his mother in particular.
Nothing could please a decent, righteous and respectful man more than
seeing strong ties of love and respect between his wife and his family,
and nothing could be more hateful to a decent man than to see those ties
destroyed by the forces of evil, hatred and conspiracy. The Muslim
family which is guided by faith in Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) and
follows the pure teachings of Islam is unlikely to fall into the trap of
such jahili behavior, which usually flourishes in an environment that is far removed from the true teachings of this religion.
A
Muslim wife may find herself being tested by her mother-in-law and
other in-laws, if they are not of good character. If such is the case,
she is obliged to treat them in the best way possible, which requires a
great deal of cleverness, courtesy, diplomacy and repelling evil with
that which is better. Thus she will maintain a balance between her
relationship with her in-laws and her relationship with her husband, and
she will protect herself and her marriage from any adverse effects that
may result from the lack of such a balance.
The Muslim woman
should never think that she is the only one who is required to be a good
and caring companion to her spouse, and that nothing similar is
required of her husband or that there is nothing wrong with him
mistreating her or failing to fulfill some of the responsibilities of
marriage. Islam has regulated the marital relationship by giving each
partner both rights and duties. The wife’s duties of honor ing and
taking care of her husband are balanced by the rights that she has over
him, which are that he should protect her honor and dignity from all
kinds of mockery, humiliation, trials or oppression. These rights of the
wife comprise the husband’s duties towards her: he is obliged to honor
them and fulfill them as completely as possible.
One of the Muslim husband’s duties is to fulfill his role of qawwam
(maintainer and protector) properly. This is a role that can only be
properly fulfilled by a man who is a successful leader in his home and
family, one who possesses likeable masculine qualities. Such a man has a
noble and worthy attitude, is tolerant, overlooks minor errors, is in
control of his married life, and is generous without being extravagant.
He respects his wife’s feelings and makes her feel that she shares the
responsibility of running the household affairs, bringing up the
children, and working with him to build a sound Muslim family, as Islam
wants it to be.
She endears herself to her husband and is keen to please him
The
true Muslim woman is always keen to win her husband’s love and to
please him. Nothing should spoil his happiness or enjoyment of life. So
she speaks kind words to him, and refrains from saying anything hurtful
or upsetting. She brings him good news, but she keeps bad news from him
as much as she can, or postpones telling it until a more suitable time
when it will not upset him so much. If she finds that she has no
alternative but to tell him upsetting news, she looks for the most
suitable way to convey it, so that the blow will not be so hard on him.
This is the wise approach and good conduct of the clever woman, but it
is very difficult to attain and only a very few virtuous women ever do
so.
One of those who did reach this high level was the great
Muslim woman Umm Sulaym bint Milhan, the wife of Abu Talhah al-Ansari.
Her son passed away whilst Abu Talhah was traveling, and her attitude
was so unique that if Imam Muslim had not reported this story we would
have taken it to be a mere myth. Let us hear her son Anas ibn Malik tell
the story of his remarkable mother and her unattitude:
“A son of
Abu Talhah by Umm Sulaym died. Umm Sulaym told her family, ‘Do not tell
Abu Talhah about his son until I tell him about it.’ Abu Talhah came
home, so she prepared dinner for him, and he ate and drank. Then she
beautified herself in a way that she had never done before, and he had
sexual intercourse with her. When she saw that he was satisfied, she
said, ‘O Abu Talhah, do you think that if a people lent something to a
household, then asked for it back, do they have the right not to return
it?’ He said, ‘No.’ She said, ‘Then resign yourself to the death of your
son.’ Abu Talhah became angry and said, ‘You let me indulge myself and
then you tell me about my son!’ He went to Allah’s Messenger
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and told him what had happened. Allah’s
Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, ‘May Allah bless both of
you for this night!’ Umm Sulaym became pregnant. Allah’s Messenger
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) went on a journey, and she accompanied
him. Whenever Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) came
back from a journey, he never entered Madinah at night. When they (the
traveling-party) approached Madinah, her labour-pains started. Abu
Talhah stayed with her, and Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa
sallam) went on ahead to Madinah. Abu Talhah said, ‘O Rabb (Cherisher
and Sustainer) , You know how I love to go out with Your Messenger when
he goes out, and to come back with him when he comes back, and I have
been detained, as You see.’ Umm Sulaym said, ‘O Abu Talhah, I do not
feel as much pain as I did before, so let us go on.’ When they reached
(Madinah), her labour-pains started again, and she gave birth to a boy.
My mother said to me, ‘O Anas, nobody should feed him until you take him
to Allah’s Messenger in the morning.’ So when morning came, I took the
baby to Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), and when I
met him he was carrying an iron tool. When he saw me, he said, ‘I hope
that Umm Sulaym has given birth.’ I said, ‘Yes.’ So he put down the tool
and I brought the child to him and placed him in his lap. Allah’s
Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) called for some of the dates of
Madinah. He chewed it until it became soft, then he put it in the
baby’s mouth and the baby began to smack his lips. Allah’s Messenger
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: ‘See how much the Ansar love
dates!’ Then he wiped the baby’s face and named him ‘Abdullah.”45
How
great was Umm Sulaym’s faith, and how magnificent her patience and
virtue! How bravely she hid her pain from her husband and endeared
herself to him. She managed to conceal her grief at the loss of her
beloved son and spent that time with her husband patiently hoping that
by being a good wife to her husband she might earn the pleasure of
Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala). This is true, deep and sincere faith.
Allah
(Subhanahu wa ta’ala) answered the Prophet’s prayer for Umm Sulaym and
her husband, and she became pregnant from that night. When she was
heavily pregnant, she saw her husband Abu Talhah preparing to set out on
another military campaign with Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa
sallam). She insisted on partaking of the honor of jihad with
him alongside Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), even
though she was in the later stages of pregnancy. Her husband took pity
on her because of the difficulties of the journey and the heat of the
desert, but he still asked the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam)
for permission to let her come with him, and he gave his permission
because he knew her strength of character and love of jihad.
Umm
Sulaym was present when the Muslims were triumphant at Makkah, and when
they were sorely tested at Hunayn. She stood firm, as solid as a rock,
alongside her husband and the small group of believers around the
Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), even though she was pregnant, at
that most difficult time when many others had fled, and she remained
there until Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) brought victory to the
believers.
The mujahid army returned to Madinah, and her
labour began. When the pains became intense, she and her husband stayed
behind for a while, but her husband prayed to his Rabb (Cherisher and
Sustainer) in the still of night becasue he loved to go out and return
with the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam). Suddenly the pains
ceased; she told her husband and they set out to follow the army that
had gone on ahead. They caught up with them, and after they had entered
Madinah, Umm Sulaym’s labour pains began anew. She gave birth to a boy,
and his brother on his mother’s side, Anas, brought him to the Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), who fed him a small amount of dates (tahnik)
and named him ‘Abdullah. The prayer of the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi
wa sallam) for this baby was fulfilled, as among his descendents were
ten great scholars.
No doubt Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) knew the
sincerity of Umm Sulaym’s faith, and conveyed the good news of Paradise
to her via His Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam):
“I entered
Paradise, and heard footsteps. I said, ‘Who is this?’ and they told me,
‘It is al-Ghumaysa’, the daughter of Milhan, the mother of Anas ibn
Malik.’” 46
Another example of the ways in which a wife may endear
herself to her husband is the way in which ‘A’ishah (radhiallahu anha)
spoke to the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) when he came back to
his wives after he had kept away from them for a month. He had said, “I
will not go in to them for a month,” because he was so angry with them.
When twenty-nine days had passed, he came to ‘A’ishah first. ‘A’ishah
said to him, ‘You swore to stay away from us for a month, and only
twenty-nine days have passed; I have been counting them.” The Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “This month has twenty-nine days.”
That particular month had only twenty-nine days.47
‘A’ishah’s
telling the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) that she had counted
twenty-nine days was a clear indication of her love towards her husband
and of how she had waited, day by day, hour by hour, for him to come
back to her. It shows how she loved and missed her husband. This
approach made her even dearer to him, so when he came back to his wives,
he started with her.
The sincere Muslim woman recognizes her
husband’s likes and habits, and tries to accommodate them as much as she
can, in the interests of mutual understanding and marital harmony, and
to protect the marriage from the boredom of routine. This is what every
wise and intelligent wife does. It was narrated that the qadi and faqih Shurayh married a woman from Banu Hanzalah. On their wedding night, each of them prayed two rak’ahs
and asked Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) to bless them. Then the bride
turned to Shurayh and said, “I am a stranger, and I do not not know much
about you. Tell me what you like, and I will do it, and tell me what
you do not like so I may avoid it.” Shurayh said, “She stayed with me
for twenty years, and I never had to tell her off for anything, except
on one occasion, and I was in the wrong then.”
This is the
respectful and loving wife as Islam wants her to be, responsible for her
home and loyal to her husband, and always careful to maintain a good
relationship between them. If anything happens to upset their marriage,
she hastens to calm the situation with her sincere love and wise
understanding. She does not listen to the whispering of the Shaytan
which calls her to do wrong, and she never hastens to ask her husband
for a divorce. The marriage bond should be too strong to be undone by
temporary arguments or occasional misunderstandings. The Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) warned those foolish women who ask their
husbands for a divorce with no legitimate reason that they would be
denied even the scent of Paradise:
“Any woman who asks her husband for a divorce with no good reason will be deprived of even smelling the scent of Paradise.”48
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